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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26056012">Gabriel Gets His Just Desserts</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/ebony_dove/pseuds/xkingevelynx'>xkingevelynx (ebony_dove)</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman &amp; Terry Pratchett</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Comedy, Crowley can have a little revenge, Crowley has waited 6000 years to be this petty, For the sake of comedy, Ineffable Bureaucracy, Light Angst, Minor Beelzebub/Gabriel (Good Omens), Other, Slapstick, This Is STUPID, as a treat, but hopefully in a funny way, but still sfw, everyone must take turns sharing the brain cell, references to creampies</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 10:42:22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,560</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26056012</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/ebony_dove/pseuds/xkingevelynx</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Crowley can`t catch a break and Gabriel (finally) gets his just desserts.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>15</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Gabriel Gets His Just Desserts</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Dedicated to Starryeyedensign7. I hope you enjoy this absolute dumpster fire.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Crowley hadn’t gone looking for trouble.<br/>Not before the fall and not now. It was just that Crowley- a creature woven from star stuff and unanswerable questions- had a special talent for finding it.</p><p>Later, Crowley might ask himself why he hadn`t just left. why, when he felt the familiar thrumming energy of a being that most certainly wanted him dead, he didn`t just turn around and walk the other way. </p><p>Simply stated, Crowley had very poor impulse control, something that would become self-evident later on.</p><p>-</p><p>The day had started with the best of intentions. He had offered to Pick up something for Aziraphale for breakfast. The shop was on the other side of town but Crowley knew it would all be worth it for the split second of unabashed joy that would light up the angel’s face. Aziraphale would look at him with those big, adoring eyes and Crowley would spend the rest of the evening basking in the angel's contented warmth.</p><p>The building had looked just like any number of cafes. quaint and unassuming, with chipping white paint. the door was covered in a smattering of decals and flyers for local businesses.</p><p>There was a warm smokey smell wafting in from the back. His tongue curled around it appreciatively. It wasn`t until he`d placed his fingers on the door that a feeling of discomfort settled over the area. A clammy feeling that screamed ‘danger' in his head without having the decency to explain why.<br/>He rolled his shoulders irritably and then froze. A sudden shuttering sensation between his shoulder blades forced his feet to stop.</p><p>A demonic presence popped up like a cellphone pinging off a radio tower. With equal parts denial and horror, Crowley realized what- or rather who it was. If he closed his eyes and really focused, he could feel it, A dark seething mass barely contained within a familiar, human-like shape<br/>a roiling, malevolent energy squeezed and compacted into its small human vessel.</p><p>Crowley swallowed. Leaning closer he squinted, attempting to peer through the door. He couldn`t see them, not through the warped glass but he could feel two powerful auras caressing and crashing into each other as if at war.</p><p>With a sense of dawning dread, Crowley realized exactly who they belonged to.</p><p>His hand gripped the door and he grit his teeth.<br/>The bell above the door jingled merrily as it was thrust open with unnecessary force. Ducking in, he blinked to adjust to the sudden dimness. Eyes darting back and forth in search of a tussled mop of black hair or the starched suit of an archangel. </p><p><br/>It took several seconds but he finally spotted them, tucked away into a quiet, secluded booth in the back. Beelzebub sat, hunched over a meringue pie, a spoon twirling between their fingers in a lazy pattern. Gabriel sat across from them, a respectably hostile distance were it not for the way that the two seemed to have subconsciously leaned in, eyes locked with just a bit too much interest for platonic adversaries. He couldn`t hear their words over the soft crooning of Ella Fitzgerald`s <em>These Foolish Things</em>, but their posture seemed unusually relaxed.</p><p>The sight of those two meeting so soon after the failed apocalypse couldn`t mean anything good.<br/>Had Crowley not been so blindingly angry he might have taken a moment to pause and wonder why the two were there, in a diner in the middle of nowhere in seemingly companionable company. He might have even been overcome by the sudden ooze of fear rising from the back of his throat.<br/>Swallowing thickly, he approached the two adversaries, sauntering towards them like a being whose hips had been separated in a bitter divorce,</p><p>Gabriel was gesticulating animatedly while the prince of hell tracked his movements with lazy attentiveness that caused the demon`s next step to falter. Loudly.</p><p>Both heads immediately swiveled towards him.</p><p>“ah, shite” Crowley muttered.</p><p><br/>Crowley had once witnessed the peculiar human hobby of mounting insects for display. He remembered watching the way their bodies squirmed, wings fluttering desperately while pinned in place, unable to move. Something told him they must have felt remarkably similar to how he was feeling right now, Pinned by eyes the wrong shade of blue.<br/>The Archangel turned to give the demon a look of measured distaste.</p><p>"Demon Crowley.” He spat.<br/>Crowley tipped his head in acknowledgment before half turning towards Beelzebub.<br/>“Sir," he said, dipping his head in greeting.<br/>“idiot” They spat back, also in greeting.</p><p>Crowley looked between the two.</p><p>“I`m surprised you`d show your face around here after the trials,” <br/>“I could say the same for you” The archangel said pointedly</p><p>“As if you didn`t nearly pissed yourself last time-Or so I heard” He snapped back With forced nonchalance, Gabriel managed to sit up even straighter. Beelzebub, to their credit, merely looks annoyed (their default expression) at the interruption.</p><p> </p><p>“I hardly think that blatant hostility is necessary.”<br/>“Oh, that`s funny because I seem to recall You both promised, - SWORE actually -to leave usss alone!””<br/>“And we have –" Gabriel ground out. "Aziraphale is down here, where he belongs and until such a time as SHE decides to come and take care of you I couldn`t actually care less what happens to either of you.”<br/>He turned his back, dismissing the demon.</p><p>Not to be deterred, Crowley stood his ground.</p><p>“What are you two even doing here?”<br/>The archangel and Prince of hell shared a quick glance. Beelzebub cleared their throat.<br/>“Just tying up some loose ends.”</p><p>The archangel`s cheeks inexplicably reddened; eyes trained on the prince`s fingers as they traced light half circles over the curve of their wine glass.<br/>Crowley took a step back in confusion.</p><p>The angel didn`t even bother to look at him. “I could ask you the same thing.”<br/>“We live here” Crowley stated.<br/>"We?" The Archangel`s head tilted in sudden realization. “-You mean you and the principality-“<br/>“Don`t act like you don`t remember his name” Crowley snapped, shifting his weight irritably.</p><p>Beelzebub reached for the bottle of whiskey, bit the cap, and spat it out with a ‘pop’  propping their feet up on the table to enjoy the show.<br/>“-And yes we are living here, together. As a couple.” Crowley clarified, unable to completely cover the pride in his voice.<br/>“A couple of what?” Beelzebub groused from the peanut gallery. Crowley thought he might have mistaken the appreciative look the archangel shot them.</p><p>“Well, I guess I shouldn`t be surprised.” Gabriel started, a pitying smile firmly in place as he looked the demon up and down. “-He never did have any qualms about disgracing his body with gross matter.”</p><p>Beelzebub made a choked sound, disguised as a cough into their jacket sleeve.</p><p>Meanwhile, Crowley was preoccupied by keeping himself from physically leaping over the table and hurling himself at the Archangel.<br/>“Oh, that`s rich coming from you. Aziraphale has told me all about how much you spend on your-“ Crowley made exaggerated quotation marks. “Human clothes.”<br/>“That’s different,” The archangel said defensively, not-so-subtly smoothing out his sleeve cuffs.</p><p>Crowley saw the moment of weakness and latched onto it with 6,000 years of repressed fervor.</p><p>"You know what you are? you are a boldfaced, narcissistic, hypocrite" The angel looked unimpressed. "-and I bet you couldn`t tell cashmere from Poundland satin”</p><p>Gabriel let out an offended gasp and made to stand but stopped as Beelzebub snickered loudly, dessert spoon still twirlling between two fingers.“He`z got you there”</p><p>Gabriel scowled and gave them a look that said there would be /words/ later and sat back down.<br/>He turned back to face the sometimes serpent of Eden. “I wouldn`t expect you to understand the intricacies of fashion.” He stared down his nose at the serpent “-especially considering who you’ve chosen to co-habit with…”</p><p>“At least He knows how to wear a coat properly.”<br/>Gabriel scrunched up his brow in confusion “excuse you, I look dashing in all of my clothes.”<br/>He looked over at Beelzebub as if for reassurance. Beelzebub rolled their eyes but eventually gave him a noncommittal shrug. He flashed them a bright, appallingly straight-toothed smile.</p><p>Imbued with me confidence he turned back to Crowley. "This is bespoke”</p><p>“Well, it looks cheap when you wear it.” Crowley spat.<br/>The archangel`s face soured and he knocked over his chair in the rush to get to his feet.</p><p>The prince of hell just let out a deep sigh and poured themself another shot.<br/>“did you come here for a reason or did you just show up to call Gabriel out for being a twat?” Beelzebub asked with lazy interest<br/><br/>Gabriel had the gall to look amused, with the smallest tell of a smirk twitching at his lips. </p><p>"I want to know why you are really here" Crowley hissed</p><p>The archangel and Beelzebub shared another significant glance.</p><p><br/>“we`ve already told you, we aren't here for you.”</p><p>The archangel nodded his head and added.“ You are free to stay on earth, doing...whatever it is you two have been doing at least Until other arrangements… can be made”</p><p>At those words Crowley's stomach dropped, thoughts of hellfire and holy water baths springing to mind. It looked as though, despite their reassurances, heaven and hell had not entirely given up on the hope of destroying them both.</p><p>"No."</p><p>Gabriel took a step closer before stalling, a hand combing through his hair as he spoke in his best attempt at conveying an air of composure.<br/>“well, maybe if Aziraphale had learned how to keep his mouth shut, we wouldn’t be in this mess in the first place, now would we? “ Gabriel said with a mocking smile.</p><p>“You don`t know a damn thing about him.” He hissed through gritted teeth.</p><p>“What is there to know? He was the guardian of the eastern gate, he was demoted after he failed. We then tasked him to be our representative on earth, thwart the enemy, facilitate the great plan." He gestured to the humans around them" Clearly that didn’t work either”<br/>The archangel leaned forward. “you know, it`s rather telling now that I think about it, the way he was talking I should have suspected sooner, the kind company he was keeping.” </p><p>“Doesn`t seem like offing one of your own without a trial is something a ‘ good angel would do, doesn`t seem very ‘holy‘, I wonder if that`s why there weren`t more witnesses when you tried to have him executed. were you afraid if the rest of the heavenly hosts saw they might worry they`d be next? Might even rebel?”</p><p>Gabriel crushed the serviette in a tightly balled fist.</p><p>“You saw that he was corruptible and weak. He was an easy target for someone like you to sink their claws into.” <br/>“He was lonely!” Crowley cried out, the whites of his eyes entirely swallowed by gold.</p><p>“You left him in a strange new place all alone and you expected him not to find comfort somewhere else. You treated him badly, you spoke down to him and made him feel guilty for the things that he loved, How could you have been surprised when he chose all of this over heaven? “</p><p>Gabriel took an unsteady step backward, eyes darting away in discomfort. “Aziraphale, is a very bad angel,” Gabriel insisted, his voice starting to rise “he isn`t like the rest of us. he turned his back on heaven.”<br/>An outside observer might have even called his tone bargaining.<br/>Crowley followed him.</p><p>“You are right,” Crowley said finally, forcing himself into a meditative calmness. “ he is nothing like you.”</p><p>Beelzebub, he noticed had given up any pretense of disinterest and was shifting restlessly in their seat as they followed him  with keen eyes,</p><p><br/>Now that he had recaptured both the prince of hell and the holy messenger’s attention The words he wanted to say stuck in the back of his throat. Crowley realized that perhaps he should have planned this declaration ahead of time.</p><p>Now or never, he thought and cleared his throat.</p><p>“Don`t think I haven`t noticed how you lot treat him.” He says, remembering baptismal flames and the angel’s dispassionate faces as they demanded he step in. Flinty eyes ready to watch one of their own ripped apart and burned into nothingness.</p><p>"Aziraphale is-.' and Crowley has to stop and swallow down the burning in his throat. “-He is kind and he is good and he is brave and he`s a bastard “ – A finger stabbed into the Archangels chest for emphasis.<br/>“and You never deserved him, not a single one of you!” He paused to take a deep breath continuing this time with an almost gentle tone. "Aziraphale is a better angel then you could ever hope to be.”</p><p>Beelzebub watched them intently, head cocked to the side and blue eyes razor-sharp.</p><p>“Aziraphale was our mistake” Gabriel started shakily, fingers twisting restlessly by his side. He looked away for a moment before continuing in a voice that was firmly under control. “and we won`t make that mistake again.” It sounded like a promise. A threat.</p><p>A violent anger burgeoned in the back of Crowley`s throat and threatened to leak through his blurring eyes. He swallowed it back down.</p><p>“A mistake…?” Crowley repeats slowly.<br/>He might have been a demon but that does not necessarily mean that he has ever been prone to violence. But in that moment, staring back into the archangel`s unsmiling eyes he suddenly realizes how badly he wants to see the archangel get what he deserved.</p><p>Gabriel smirked surreptitiously down at the demon. An expression that very much conveyed a sense of 'are we done here?'<br/>Crowley couldn`t stand having to look up at his condescending face, like it was just begging for a fist or-</p><p>Or-.</p><p>The gears in his mind started turning with a whirling click. With a sudden stroke of inspiration Crowley`s eyes lit upon the table where sitting unassumingly in front of the prince of hell was an entirely untouched pie.</p><p>“No, <em>THIS</em> was a mistake.”</p><p>Without stopping to think he snatched the pie from Beelzebub`s reaching fingers, tossing them an irreverent salute.<br/>“-terribly sorry in advance.”</p><p>The archangel had only a moment to glance in confusion at Crowley and then at the stolen pie balanced in one hand.</p><p>“Crowley…” Beelzebub growled in warning, with the practiced tone of one who is both aware of Crowley`s erratic decision-making skills and hell`s consequent penchant for slapstick comedy.</p><p>As if in slow motion Beelzebub lunged over the table, glass and utensils crashing to the floor as they buzzed in unholy indignation, arms outstretched to reclaim their stolen treat.<br/>Understanding arrived a moment too late and before the Archangel could react his smug-look melted into one of confusion turned panic. <br/>Within a split-second, Crowley had pitched his slight weight forward and plowed the pie directly into the archangels gaping mouth.</p><p>“Whoops!” Crowley said in utter delight.</p><p>There was a moment of glorious stunned silence as he took in the sight of the Archangel. sticky and disheveled, brought low at last by nothing more than a face full of sweet cream and lemon curds.<br/>At some point one of the three must-have cast out the other humans because the room sunk into an unearthly quiet, broken only by the wet ‘plop’ ‘plop’ as blobs of cream dripped from the archangel’s forehead onto his polished Louboutin’s.</p><p>The Archangel made a shocked noise.</p><p><br/>Then a shrill cackle pierced through the restaurant, lights flickering unnervingly as The prince of hell slapped their knee and let out another harsh wheezing rasp the sounded more like choking than laughter.</p><p>Crowley briefly wondered if it was possible to discorporate from laughter. The Archangel, on the other hand, appeared to be so incandescent with rage that he was rendered blessedly speechless beyond spluttering indistinctive obscenities.</p><p>Crowley choked on a noise and in another moment of inspiration whipped out his phone and snapped a picture for good measure.</p><p>Head rising like a holy apparition, the Archangel reached up with shaking fingers to wipe at his eyes. Chunks of sticky, oily meringue rained to the ground.</p><p>Beelzebub`s laughter died a slow death.<br/>Gabriel’s hair and face were completely covered in large clots of white and yellow. A large, wet splotch ruining the front of his suit.</p><p>Beelzebub`s blue eyes travel leisurely up and down the Archangels form as their expression shifted from amusement to something decidedly darker.<br/>Crowley watched as their tongue darted across their lips; eyes fixed on a blob of crème leisurely dripping down the length of Gabriel`s neck. A sudden unexpected look of hunger bled into their dilated eyes. They looked ravenous for pie and they didn`t seem particularly concerned that the archangel was still wearing it.</p><p>Crowley had seen that look before, when faced with an all-you-can-eat buffet. Or that time he had watched them win the New Orleans Oyster eating championship and decided that if he ever saw another mollusk again he might vomit. Scrunching up his nose in disgust he instead focused on the Archangel In front of him whose corporation had begun to radiate with the burning heat of Holy anger. Crowley`s dwindling sense of self-preservation began to steadily outweigh his bravery. With an audible gulp, he began to backpedal, tripping over his own legs.</p><p>“Nice talk, “ Crowley choked as he made for the employees only exit. “Gotta run-“</p><p> </p><p>The sound of the demon Crowley shoving himself out the employees-only exit seemed to be all it took to shake Gabriel out of his sugar-induced stupor. He made to storm after the demon but his angry stride was abruptly halted by a firm hand seizing the back of his coat. He choked and stumble back.<br/>“Leave him,” Beelzebub commanded.<br/>Gabriel furrowed his brows in confusion. “What?”<br/>“Leave him be, We still need him if we ever hope to find out how they gained their immunity.” He gave them a look.</p><p>“But he just assaulted me!” Gabriel paused for dramatic emphasis “With human foodstuff.”</p><p>“-Do you really want to deal with that disaster-duo without having any kind of plan?” The prince countered in annoyance.<br/>The Archangel made a face that was strikingly close to a pout. they had a point, but still...</p><p>“This was a new suit from Savile Row!” Gabriel groaned, eyes darkly scanning his ruined charcoal blazer. He had commissioned it, especially for this meeting.</p><p><br/>They raised an eyebrow. “Never heard of her.” Which wasn`t strictly true, but it was worth the tick of irritation ruining the Archangels attempt at looking unruffled despite still being spattered with food-stuff.</p><p>"Besides," they said, dragging their blue eyes down his figure. .“I think it looks better this way.”</p><p><br/>Beelzebub soothed their hands down his lapels, drawing back to stare down at their fingers now covered in sugary, sweet cream.<br/>Gabriel looked down at himself, as if to consider whether or not the streaks of white and neon yellow actually complimented the dark cut. He looked back with a scowl.</p><p>“-Pluzzz” Beelzebub drawled, sticking three fingers into their mouth with a hum and an exaggeratedly wet ‘pop’.<br/>“-Seeing an archangel getting creampied is the funniest shit I`ve zzeen all zzcentury.”</p><p>“This human food is revolting.” He wined, running one hand through his stiff hair which only resulted in him spreading pie there too. Giving up he turned back to the prince who<br/>shook their head with a sneer.<br/>“you`re pathetic, letz get you cleaned up.”</p><p>“I`ll just miracle myself clean.”<br/>“Didn`t you say you had been put on a mandatory limit for miracles?” Beelzebub reminded him, moving farther into his personal space.</p><p>He had in fact been put on a strict miracle ration and for a moment Gabriel was struck with the sudden clarity that perhaps, telling one's mortal enemy that you were unable to access the extent of your divine power was a poor decision. He shrugged noncommittally. </p><p>“Do you even know how to clean yourself the human way?” The demon asked.<br/>Gabriel swallowed harshly, eyeing the way their fingers raked down the sticky fabric over his chest pocket. He cleared his throat.</p><p>“Of course, I do, I`ll just do like the humans do and find a river to splash about in.”<br/>Beelzebub squinted up at him. "I don` think....?"</p><p>Gabriel`s eyes shone with a mischievous glint.</p><p>"You could do that..." Bee said slowly, giving him a deceptively innocent look. "Or..."</p><p>"Or?" Gabriel continued in interest, brushing his fingers lightly over their cheek.</p><p>Beelzebub nipped at him playfully.</p><p>"Or you could come back to my place and get yourself cleaned up there.” They made a pass at licking the angel's cheek but he batted them away good-naturedly. Glancing around them to make sure no one was watching he leaned closer.  “Well... I suppose food is your domain so it is only logical that you should fix it.” He justified, very reasonably, and completely without any ulterior motives. scouts honor.</p><p>The demon let out a huff, but their blue eyes shone in delight as they dragged the Archangel out the door by his tie.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Beelzebub: *cleaning him with their tongue*<br/>Gabriel: this doesn’t seem very efficient…<br/>And that’s how I met your <strike>mother</strike> (non-binary parent)<br/>Stay tuned for the second chapter featuring the ineffable husbands.</p><p>Kudos/comments are appreciated&lt;3</p></blockquote></div></div>
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